1001 Nightmares - The Worst of Bellydance

Heeeeee's baaaaaack!

2008-04-06T21:09:00.002-06:00

Ohhh dear. It's the triumphant return of Jeremy, the recycling costume-maker (who is not an entirely fictional figment of my imagination. No, really! ...okay yes he is.) He's really in trouble now: Aunt Beulah wants to know what happened to those old velvet drapes that belonged to Grandma, you know, the ones with the heavy fringe...

Mexican Hat Dance

2008-01-19T12:45:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah, I know, I understand. You had to do something with your ex's collection of miniature sombreros.

But sewing them together and trying to pawn 'em off on eBay as a bellydance costume should not be counted as an option. I'm just sayin'.

It's the Muppet Show, with our very special guest star!

2007-12-23T18:01:00.000-07:00

o/~ Munnah munnah

Doot dooooo de doo doo

Munnah munnah

Doot doo doot doo...o/~

I'm sorry. This really does look like a Muppet died so that somebody could have a skirt. Thanks to Jo-chan for finding this.... or not ^__^

Recipe for Success

2007-12-06T20:59:00.001-07:00

"Roll and stamp gingerbread cookies" ....'kay... "Press adjoining cookie edges to join and seal".... 'kay, done that... "Cut remaining gingerbread dough into V-shape" .... right... "Frost with mint icing and decorate with glitter" ..... 'kay... darn, got a bit lopsided with that one... hopefully no one will notice it much... lessee, what's next... "Mount straps and string with Hershey's Kisses for fringe" .... okay... and.... Done!! My dessert costume is ready!!

(It's a condom! It's a mint! It's a condiment! ...i'm sorry, i couldn't resist...)

Warning, 'Doctor Who' geek reference

2007-11-14T19:47:00.000-07:00

Breasts that stare back! - now that's evolution!

O Canada!

2007-11-03T09:05:00.000-06:00

o/~ ... Our home and native land. True patriot love in all thy sons' command... o/~

Not sure why I feel all patriotic, all of a sudden.

......actually, I'm not certain if those are supposed to be maple leaves or, er, *cough*potleaves*cough*

Also, is that not the strangest bra construction you've ever seen?

From the "Where Are They Now?" file

2007-10-31T11:48:00.000-06:00

Like many child stars, former "Tellytubbies" star Po found her career sliding downhill when her show was cancelled. After ten years in the television industry (she spent the last three years of the show wearing minimizer bras to hide her developing figure), Po was a talented entertainer and had a gift for predicting where audience interests would go next. Correctly spotting the influence of artists like Shakira, Po spent the next several years studying Middle Eastern dance styles, learning from the best artists in the genre. Today, ready to surf the wave she spotted coming, Po is poised to take the world by storm.

How colour can make or break.. YOUR SOUL!!!

2007-10-22T20:58:00.000-06:00

You have no idea how hard I'm laughing right now.

Seriously.

I'm picturing the faces of the audience. This one could induce seizures.

Want a closer look? Surrrrre you do...

Vomit bags are located under your seat.

Another example of How Not to Improvise

2007-10-22T16:58:00.001-06:00

Look. I can understand about the bra. I understand that sometimes your skirt rips. But if your only option is to put on a couple of Glad garbage bags, maybe you should just cancel your gig.

No, putting copper spangly stickers on it doesn't help.

How colour can .... completely kill your career as a dancer o.O;;;

2007-10-11T20:53:00.000-06:00

OW my eyes!!!!

Hello again

2007-10-02T20:23:00.000-06:00

It's been a rough, rough summer, that's all I'm sayin'...

Back to belly-dancin' and belly-achin' ^__^

We've all had it happen, right? You're on your way to a performance and blammo - your costume bra breaks and it's beads all over the place. Naturally, it's always on the day that you forgot to bring a spare.

I understand, sometimes popping into Wal-Mart and grabbing one off the rack is all you can do when the pressure is on. But couldn't you at least paint some glitter-glue squiggles on or something? ...Just don't use feather maribou.

And choose a colour that kind of matches your outfit? (brown with purple??)

Wear your playlist as you dance!

2007-06-17T17:05:00.000-06:00

Up next we have "Eye in the Sky" by the Alan Parsons Project, followed by "Radioactive" by the Firm.

Memories

2007-05-23T21:03:00.000-06:00

Y'know, when I was a kid, my parents took me to Hawai'i. We stayed at this really posh hotel. Every day, when the concierges would make up the rooms, they'd put a fresh orchid on the pillows. So, one night we all went to a luau party, but Mom and I had jet-lag so we went back to the hotel fairly early. Stepfather stayed at the party, drank lots, and eventually came back to the hotel and passed out on the bed. The next morning he woke up to find this wilted, flat orchid sweat-plastered to his cheek and it would not come off. Mom and I laughed about it for days.

Not sure what made me think of that...

Aunt Chloe called...

2007-05-01T21:03:00.000-06:00

She wants to know what you did with those 1960s curtains you found in the attic....

Manos: The Dance of Fate

2007-04-07T12:32:00.000-06:00

"tHe MaSteR doEsn'T lIke bEllYdAncErs... doEsn'T lIke bEllYdaNcErs..."

Nightmares Hates The New Blogger System

2007-03-31T18:09:00.000-06:00

Just thought I'd mention that....

An-nee-how...

This was advertised as a "headturning" skirt. Um.

It's not my head that's turning.

There can't be that many once-a-year outfits, can there?

2007-02-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

... apparently there can.

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody! ... or not...

How colour can make or break your costume, part 3

2007-01-31T18:33:00.000-07:00

Yo quiero, Taco Bellydancer?

How colour can make or break your costume, part 2

2007-01-28T21:28:00.000-07:00

Aaaaaaa-riba!! Andelez andelez, ariiiiba!!!!

How colour can make or break your costume, part 1

2007-01-22T21:52:00.000-07:00

"When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple."

....Okay I just scared myself.

Barney Google, with the goo-goo-googly eyes

2007-01-03T20:11:00.000-07:00

This is why you should wear a leather jacket when you go out motorcycling on a sunny summer day.

Don't blame me. Nightmare-sufferer Oriental Dancer spotted this one. Thanks! ... i think...

Here's lookin' at you, kid

2006-12-21T21:12:00.000-07:00

"Could you tell your breasts to stop staring at my eyes?"

For 2waggs

2006-12-18T20:58:00.000-07:00

Help! I'm being molested by a feather duster!

Not dead, just been busy

2006-12-10T16:05:00.000-07:00

No no, nobody's declared jihad on Nightmares for mocking bellydance costumes. I've just been very busy, got performances coming up and so on so forth.

Advice for the dancer on a budget: A couple of do-rags and a tablecloth do not a costume make.

I'm pretty sure there's a costume in there somewhere

2006-11-18T18:28:00.000-07:00

It's a costume! It's a piggy-bank! Keep your tips safe and your taxes organized!

An Homage to Bobby Vee

2006-11-08T21:15:00.000-07:00

Oh the night has a thousand eyes
And a thousand eyes can't help but see

Happy Hallowe'en, ev'ryBUDDY!

2006-10-31T18:56:00.000-07:00

Reet! Reet! Reet! Reet!

"Mother, what have you done?! It's coming this way! It's horrible!"

Once a year extravaganza?

2006-10-30T20:45:00.000-07:00

Really, why make a costume you can only wear once per year? There can't be too many holiday-themed costumes around, can there?

checks image folder

.... I stand corrected.

Btw, you're gonna loathe tomorrow's entry, True Believers. I saved the worst for last, tee hee.

The Nightmare Before .... er, Hallowe'en

2006-10-26T19:31:00.000-06:00

It's the Great Pumpkin King, Charlie Brown!

o/~Dun dun dun dun dun dun, Wonder Woman! o/~

2006-10-20T17:01:00.000-06:00

Does anybody remember "the Mighty Isis", from that old Shazam!/Mighty Isis Adventure Hour show in the '70s? I loved Isis, I thought she was awesome. I loved Wonder Woman too. Lynda Carter was the best. I'll shamefacedly admit to liking She-Ra, Princess of Power, too. Man, I'm really showing my age, here, aren't I?

I wonder why I'm thinking of super-heroines...

Lindemann's Catch

2006-10-17T18:02:00.000-06:00

"Cap'n! There's a mermaid caught in the tuna nets!"

"Not again! How bad is it?"

"She's been gone a long time, it looks like. What'll we do, Cap'n?"

"There's be trouble with the E.P.A. if we report it... Stick a couple of feathers on it, we'll try to sell it on eBay as a bellydance costume."

Can't talk, laughing

2006-10-16T19:15:00.000-06:00

Bwaaa-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! Haaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahha!!! *wheeze* Ahahahahahahahahaha!

P.S: Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

My cups runneth over

2006-10-15T16:54:00.000-06:00

Got milk?

Your Unlucky Day

2006-10-13T19:52:00.000-06:00

Holy crap! It's the Red Sonja bra!!

When the Quilting 101 and Bellydance 101 classes collide

2006-10-09T16:50:00.000-06:00

Some of these items are from a company with a physical retail store. They get a huge volume of products in and quite a lot of it is really gorgeous. Most of the gorgeous stuff is out the door before it ever has a chance to hit their website, so already the stuff that hits the website is on its way towards the bargain bin. What's on the website is perhaps 10 - 20% of the store's total inventory; of the website's offerings, perhaps 10% is fugly, so the company is actually batting a very good fug to fab ratio.... I just happen to pick on the fug.

But really, they do have a lot of really nice items. Like this blue skirt, for example. Isn't it a nice skirt? I think its a nice skirt. Not my colour, but a very pretty skirt. Most of their inventory is quite nice like this blue skirt, so really, your chances of finding something that looks like Jeremy got creative with Granny's old green patchwork quilt are really quite slim.

Reduce, Re-use, Recycle

2006-10-05T17:00:00.000-06:00

"So yeah, Jeremy learned to sew over the summer and now he thinks he can design costumes."

"Oh that must be nice! What a great outlet for his creativity!"

"I suppose. His latest number sure took some creativity. He ran out of fabric so it only has one sleeve. He says its the 'assymetrical look' but I'm not buying it."

"Oh dear. But it must be nice fabric, surely?"

"Remember Aunt Genevieve's old chesterfield?"

"Oh.. oh dear. He used fabric that looks like that gaudy old thing?"

"Not quite. You know how big he is on recycling..."

The Modern Bellydancer: Advertising Shill

2006-10-04T17:08:00.000-06:00

McDonald's (or possibly French's Mustard), then onions, now... Lush!!! Or some other bath'n'body product line. Because honey, if your boobies are this moldy, you're way overdue for a shower.

(nb, another of Amulya's findings. Poor dear.)

Strung up

2006-10-03T17:33:00.000-06:00

"Okay, so somebody put one of those plastic net bags that onions come in on their body and is pretending it's a dance costume? o.o"

Man, Emby must be really masochistic. She wants to see this fug up so badly, she edited it for me and emailed it complete with snark! *LOL* I love it when people do my work for me ^_____^

What kills me is the little crochet rose placed right there. I'm not sure how that's supposed to hide anything. Perhaps there's a piece of Velcro on the back, so you can attach it to your pubes?

This is another beauty unearthed by Amulya. Thank you, Amulya... i think.

You Deserve A Break Today.. from fug.

2006-10-01T16:35:00.000-06:00

Dancer Amulya once had a page of bellydance costume horror. That site is gone, but its spirit lives on - as does its owner, who continues to unearth the most nasal-cola inducing costumery. This is one of her findings. Thank you, Amulya... i guess...

I'm sorry, but the only thing that comes to mind (once I stop laughing long enough to think of anything) is Stephen King's nickname for McDonald's, "The Golden Tits of America" -- and then I laugh even harder. Then I picture the dancer wearing fire-engine red game-show-host hair and it's all downhill from there...

Malek Taus is Not Amused

2006-09-30T08:20:00.000-06:00

"Ewwwwwww, gross! I'm not scraping that off! ...guess I'll have to wear it to recital tonight."

Oh my sweet golly gosh. Look what 2waggs found: Matching hotpants! Now I can dress as peacock roadkill for Halloween! [countfloyd]"Arooooooooo! That's scary stuff!"[/countfloyd]

What's almost as scary is 2waggs, who actually likes this fugly costume and thinks its cute!!!! There's just no accounting for taste.... Let's all laugh at her :) :) :)

That's okay, 2waggs. I'm sure you'll look ~~like Dina got shot by a chicken-cannon loaded with peacocks~~ lovely. And just think, you can get the dusting done at the same time as you practice your shimmies! And with your height, you can do a forward shoulder shimmy to dust the fireplace mantle! At least it's practical fug!

The Fugly Duckling

2006-09-29T16:37:00.000-06:00

WAH-CHOO! "Dorry, biss.. I deem do be addergic do your bra."

This poor artist put hours of work into handcrafting this item, only to see it languish on the auction block for months. This is an unfortunate example of "if a little is good, a lot must be great." Malek Taus would not approve.

Tonight we're gonna party like its 1989

2006-09-28T16:58:00.000-06:00

I was drinking when I saw this
Forgive me if it goes a-spray
But when I saw this bedlah's bra
I could've sworn it was paper plates

From the netherworld arrows
To the sequins flying everywhere
Try to run from the fugness
I think I need to get some air

I'll stop there because the only thing worse than a bad costume is bad karaoke.

Nurrrrrrse! My brain hurts!

2006-09-27T17:54:00.000-06:00

No no, guys, you got the colours all wrong. It should be red on white, not white on blue.

Actually I'm not sure if this one is supposed to be "naughty nurse" or "naughty nun." Whichever it is, it may be naughty, but it sure ain't nice.

Brittney's new career: Bellydancer?

2006-09-26T20:16:00.000-06:00

Don't go 'round tonight, or its bound to take your life. Therrrrre's a bad moon on the rise

2waggs sent me this image of Egypt's very own Brittney Spears, Dina. Thanks for nothing, 2waggs *lol*

This image points up the importance of test-dancing your costume before you perform. That way, you'll know to wear suspenders so you don't shimmy your skirt off.

(nb, yes I know it's more than likely deliberate, it's Dina, after all.)

Gold Mold and Memories of Fugliness Past

2006-09-26T17:51:00.000-06:00

This one's called "Gold Mini." Although "gold lichen" is probably more appropriate, or maybe "gold mold." This one isn't particularly nose-cola-worthy, I'll admit, but I chose it for its resemblance to one that I did find hilarious.

Alas, there are some outfits that I viewed in the past but never thought to collect the pictures, because I hadn't yet decided to blog the fugliness for posterity. The "Red Sonja Bra" is one of those. Look at "Gold Mini" here, and imagine a silver bra, slightly flatter in the cups, covered in silver coins. Rather than being slightly dangly like these coins, imagine them set flat in concentric circles raying out from the nipples. If you're cringing, then you've successfully imagined the ridiculous garment I dubbed the "Red Sonja Bra." What mortifies me is that it sold, believe it or not. I don't; I'd rather convince myself that the vendor was too embarrassed by it and finally took it off the market.

Another lost item is a costume that I found on a Turkish website. I've looked all over for it but cannot find it again, so I'll just have to describe it. The fabric was white and covered in these little 3/4-circle patches, in various colours. It looked for all the world like the wearer was being eaten alive by Pac-Mans. Pac-Men. Whatever. Clearly that was the costume for that "80s Night" performance, for the "Pac-Man Fever" number.

Cringe for Fringe

2006-09-25T20:48:00.000-06:00

I imagine some poor craftsman with a tight deadline. They've just realized that they've created a bra that looks like two ashtrays squashed to the wearer's chest. They're down to the wire and can't correct it properly, so they try to camoflage it with fringe, lots of fringe. Fringe inspired by 60s go-go dancers' nipple tassels, apparently. cringe

Its a bird! Its a plane! Its Superfringe!

2006-09-25T19:54:00.000-06:00

There're a lot of sites showcasing the seedy horrors of bellydance costuming with snarky commentary, so what's one more? Welcome to 1001 Nightmares, for all your bellydance Schadenfreude needs.

Let's kick things off with.. Superfringe! I don't even want to think about what that stuff must look like shimmying. How many audience members would wind up in the emergency room? Whiplash much?

"Hmm, I'm not getting my usual zaghareets for my belly flutters... I wonder if the audience can see them?"